Occasionally, I get the bug to get out of the house and get a job, make some real money, and make a name for myself out there in the big wide world. This summer it hit me pretty hard. My kids are getting older and I'm finding that here and there I am getting a few small pockets of time to myself. It's an odd feeling that I'm not altogether comfortable with. For 7 years my life has been utterly consumed with snuggles, small hands, bird-like meals, segmental sleep patterns, and a constant awareness of where 2 special blankies are located at any given time. Slowly but surely, these patterns (or lack of pattern) in my life are subsiding, and the void that it leaves is like a black hole that I feel frantic to fill with something.
Naturally, at least to me, I felt that work was what I needed. However, my fruitless search to find a job in an economy that isn't kind to a nurse who hasn't worked for 7 years turned out to be a blessing in disguise. As I've backed off from the search for a job with regular hours and a regular paycheck, I find myself turning back toward home, and the wondering of how I ever could have done it. Like anything that doesn't last forever, I am saying goodbye to being the mother of babies. (thanks a lot, now I'm crying). But I get to say hello with open arms to being a mom of kids. And those small pockets of time that I was so excited to finally get are now being filled with...being a mom. And all that anxiety and stress and wonder I felt when I brought my kids home I'm feeling all over again, but I'm learning to see it for what it is now, and accepting with a little more grace this time the changes that are in store. It doesn't make it any easier, but there you go. Maybe by the time they go to college I'll have it figured out.
But I'm not counting on it.
3 comments:
So you made me get choked up too - I know exactly what you're talking about. I just called off my own job search and decided to volunteer at the schools so I can stay involved. I know 'letting go' happens slowly, bit by bit, but I want to hold onto what I can while I can. Thanks for putting my feelings into such beautiful words.
I understand, it is hard to watch time march by. And it marches way to fast at times. I was just comtemplating this as I left the store yesterday. The bag boy said "have a nice day, ma'am." Ma'am. I started noticing the change from Miss to Ma'am a few years ago, but it was the exception then. Now Ma'am is the norm. Also, when young men on the street asked me for the time, I suspected alterior motives. Now I'm pretty sure they just want to know the time. Getting old isn't easy, and watching our kids grow up is even harder. Sorry for the narrative. Beautiful thoughts, Beka.
Embrace every moment! My baby is 13 and I missed so much due to the need to work. Don't let it go for anything!!!!! otherwise you find yourself grasping at the moments that are past...and your child reminds you that they are not longer your baby! Hold on to it dear sis...no paycheck is worth it. Unless you have to. xoxoxo
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