I wasn't going to blog about this...or really ever speak of it again, but I read a post by dooce about her battle with depression and anxiety and how medication has literally saved her life, and it got me thinking again about that dark time of my life that was my last pregnancy. And the only reason I am dragging this out of the mud is that I realized in her honesty that more people need to be talking about this.
I don't know if anyone besides my husband really knows how hard that time was and, for me, it is the #1 reason why I went straight to my Dr. for my 6 week checkup and immediately had an IUD put in. I am not saying any of this to be dramatic or get attention for myself; all I know is that I was an incredibly happy person until I hit the 20 week mark of my last pregnancy, and then I actually remember the exact moment when my world came crashing down. I was vacuuming my floor-right by the stairs-and I suddenly had this wave of sadness overtake me. I set the vacuum down (still on) and thought, "I am depressed." It was like a lead weight was placed upon my shoulders and my life stopped, while everyone else's life just kept whizzing by. I would try to keep up but that overwhelming sadness just would overpower me. I think people knew something was wrong. Friends would invite me to do things or come over and visit, but I just couldn't take it. The most difficult part was that I couldn't help it and I couldn't stop it-no matter how bad I, or anyone else, wanted it.
I think the thing that made the anxiety so bad was that I felt all alone. I called LDS social services just to see if I could talk to someone, but I was told that their therapists didn't really deal with pregnant women. ( I still don't get that). I told my Dr. that I was having dark thoughts and he told me that it was probably just hormones and that I should wait it out. There were also no medication options for me because I was pregnant. In the long run I'm so grateful that I have not had to take any medication for depression, but at the time I was so desperate, and I felt like I was understanding what "harming yourself or others" felt like.
Looking back, I'm so shocked I was not taken more seriously. I was able to get through all of that with prayer, a wonderful, patient husband and a mom who would call and check on me every day. I am also a stronger person because of it, no question. But how do you let a patient come into your office and tell you she wants to end her pregnancy and turn her away without any help? I guess the whole reason I want to say all of this is for the sake of awareness. I am so blessed that once Lily was born that lead weight was lifted and has never come back. But what about others who are not so lucky? What about other pregnant women who are sad during "the happiest time of their lives?" We hear a lot about post-partum depression, but why is there nothing for women who get depressed during their pregnancies? A support group--something!
I want to say, also , that I am not ashamed of any of this. It is part of the truth that is my life. It's part of who I am and it's something I now draw strength from-the fact that I overcame it. But I do not want to ever downplay the hopeless low of depression. If you've never felt it, and I hope you never do, than you can't possibly understand...I sure didn't. But through it I have felt the love and hope of the Savior; and with that I feel like I can do anything.
I know this has been a ramble...but if you've read this far, thank you. I needed to say this.
4 comments:
I know you are not looking for this Beka~ But I am grateful for your bravery. That is not an easy thing to acknowledge and because we do not acknowledge it expectations are all skewed and our real life experience may come out as disappointing. Awareness and understanding are the next step. Then hopefully some real help for those going through the depths. Thank you for your honesty. I love you!
Beka, I'm glad that you are not ashamed of this...you shouldn't be. I remember how frightened I was when I was depressed...with post partum. I wanted everyone to know I was depressed because if I snapped, I wanted them to know that it had been coming. It doesn't make sense now, but it did then. Hugs!
Thanks, Beka. I'm still amazed at the stigma that surrounds mental illness. No doctor (hopefully) would listen to a patient list off every symptom of diabetes and then send her home to just try a little harder to work out her blood sugar issues on her own. Or tell someone with Ahlzheimer's that if they just really worked at it, they could stop memory loss and remember better. Why is mental health any different?!?!?!
I know all too well what you went through. I suffered depression with my last pregnancy... so much that I often fantasized about ending my life. It was the darkest, most helpless time of my life. My Dr (who I switched to 1 week before I was due) didn't take me seriously and when she finally did listen she told me by phone that I need to check myself in to the ER. The lack of understanding and support from this so-called "women's Doctor" was shocking. I finally got myself in and went on Medication. I was only on meds for a few months and I started feeling better. I still have occasional dark times, but they are far and few between.
The whole ordeal was very embarrassing for me and a very humbling experience.
Most of my family (the In Laws) have no idea what I was going through and I'm not sure they would even understand.
Crap, so that was like the longest reply. Thanks for posting this.
off topic... Do you remember the Reba street sign? I still feel a little bad about that!
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